I feel unlovely today. Not wholly, just rather... bland. Basic black with a strategic red scarf to cover up the masking tape that's holding my head on, no make up, hair in a ponytail. In the mirror a moment ago, I look a bit pale, but that's to be expected. I'm definitely in need of a shower, but sleep was so much tastier this morning than the ordeal that post-surgical showering currently is.
My thyroid was removed a week ago today. There was nothing remarkably wrong with it other than a rather large nodule that was causing some internal co-location problems, and some other smaller nodules that seemed to be destined to cause problems in the future. I spent the majority of this past week laying around watching cooking shows, and wishing I could do something at once more restful and more interesting.
Note to the world: should you for any reason need your thyroid out, do it in summer. I suck at being an invalid, and doing it in the warm and breeze would have made the whole ordeal much more bearable. Just one more experience to add to the list of things I would do differently if I ever got to go back and do it over knowing what I know now.
I realized the other day that the reason that list is so unbelievably long is that I don't know myself very well. No amount of knowledge about the world helps me if I don't know myself as myself, because life is really all about the interaction between the two. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always getting it wrong, so I'm here to do what I can about that.
I emphasize "myself as myself" because I have repeatedly made the mistake of confusing Who I Am with Who I'd Very Much Like To Be. These are two very different people, and it's very hard to achieve the state of WIVMLTB without having any clear idea of Who I Am. Sort of like trying to find ingredients for a recipe, when you don't even really know what course the dish is intended for.